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Paris Hilton is she a porn star?
What do you get the socialite hotel chain heiress who has
everything? How about a big, stupid cock in her pudgy little
butterface? The Paris Hilton sex tape of 2003 was
little more than your standard three-pronged fuck 'n' suck:
missionary, doggy-style and a blowjob. The entire feature
weighs in at a scant two minutes and fifty-sex seconds,
operating in near dismal conformity with Lars von Trier's
Dogma treatise on moment-by-moment filmmaking. The
handheld camera is unmistakably "on location," there is no
superficial action or geographical alienation, all sound
effects are produced in real-time collaboration with the
images, and the primary director disavowed any immediate
accreditation.
The tape has been seen, screened, and lampooned on The
Daily Show and Saturday Night Live -- but even to this day,
more people have actually sat down to watch her insipid Fox
series The Simple Life than the sex tape itself. The
actual reasons for this upsidedown ratio are beyond the
scope of this article, and must remain unexplored. But
here's a girl who's chosen to spend her allowance on ways
that don't benefit mankind, that don't create
appealing business ventures or accomplish anything
constructive.
 Gone
are the days where being a student of the "upper class"
meant facilitating a lifestyle meant to be envied or
emulated by others. Instead, the world is watching Paris
insinuate her noisy, shopworn caboose into just about every
unnecessary public venue conceivable: modeling,
acting, singing, television, fashion, jewelry, and amateur
pornography. While she spreads herself thinner than the
flimsy premise of her television program ("let's laugh at
the poor people by pretending they're too icky to touch")
Paris's porno bid contains no more extracurricular puss-puss
than what she flashes at the paparazzi on a regular basis.
The only thing unusual about the Paris Hilton sex
tape is that looks like it was shot at the Motel 6 in
Shitsville, New Mexico. It's a straight-to-video public
relations ploy which raises neither controversial questions
nor spontaneous erections. Paris appears sober and compliant
throughout, although her family claims she may have been
drugged.
 When
the "scandal" broke, it quickly came to light that Paris's
porn director and co-star was none other than Richard
Salomon, an independent movie producer and online gambling
entrepreneur. He's also the ex-boyfriend of Devon Aoki
(model and heiress to the Benihana restaurant
fortune) and estranged husband of Charmed actress
Shannen Doherty. At first glance, the Sony Digicam infrared
nightvision green makes Salomon look as though he wields an
ample, larger-than-life dick, until you realize Paris's
hands are abnormally waifish in size and shape, like those
of Cruella DeVille. Salomon's cock has since been described
as "nothing to write home about." When rumors of the tape
first surfaced, Hilton denied its existence, calling Salomon
"a complete liar and scumbag" in New York magazine, but she
was later forced to backpedal after it become obvious the
video was real.
As suddenly as the tape begins, it screeches to a close.
Paris dispenses less than twenty seconds of below-average
blowjobbery, much of which is technically incompetent and
more artistically bankrupt than Pamela Anderson's
half-hearted performance upon Tommy Lee. Paris's hand
remains indignantly clamped around Salomon's Viagra-induced
erection, her lips flail (but fail) to fellate more than an
inch beyond the tip of his dick. She licks it stupidly, like
a home-grown amateur creampuff staring off into empty space
as the camera fades mercifully to black. There is no happy
finish, no climax, no splashy ejaculatory parade against her
face, into her hair or down her neck.
 Richard
Salomon has filed a $10 million slander lawsuit against
Hilton, asserting that she was in fact an active participant
in making the porn video, alleging that the Hilton family has
waged a "cold, calculated and malicious campaign to portray
Salomon as a rapist." Hilton's lawyers are threatening legal
action against anyone who distributes the tape or fails to
destroy their copy of it, but purported porn snippets with
Paris giving a blowjob have been
offered on eBay. Meanwhile, at high-class parties in New
York, Las Vegas and Los Angeles, Paris Hilton remains the
target of a very specific socialite indulgence. It's a game
called Dump Your Drink On Paris, the object of which
is to spot Paris at a party, "trip" next to her and splash
the full contents of your Cape Cod across her expensive
evening gown. The lighter the color of her fabric, and the
darker the indelible fruit juice of your drink, the better.
If ice cubes go down the back of her dress, you score
double.
"The Hilton family is greatly saddened at how low human
beings will stoop to exploit their daughter, Paris, who is
sweet-natured, for their own self-promotion as well as
profit motives," read a statement released by the family.
Funny how Paris Hilton's sister Nicky no longer seems
interested in courting the public. Where'd she get off to,
anyway?
Shot by shot: here's a distilled, tastefully blacked-out
breakdown of the video, partially censored by only the
finest Rotten Dot Com stickers being manufactured to date.
We start from frame 00:00:00:00 and end with frame
00:02:56:00. The following display is meant merely to
edutain, infotate, and encourage the avoidance of unpleasant
legal action items. There are two other central characters
in this video: cellular telephone caller "Fred," and a
pay-per-view television program which remains audible
throughout the entire romp. Your reaction will likely fall
somewhere between a yawn and a dismissive sigh. This
is what E! Entertainment News calls a scandal?
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